Have you ever been in one of those situations where a mutual friend is talking about another mutual friend while there not present? Too many times huh? Hey we all do it but some boundaries just shouldn’t be crossed. Its one thing to say, “Girl did you see that shirt Lisa had on? It was ugly right? Lol” And, “Girl, did you know Lisa is really broke, still living with her mom and doesn’t know who her real baby daddy is?” Sometimes people don’t realize that its natural to say things about people when they are not around, but when you are maliciously degrading someone behind their back to your own personal friend or mutual friends, it says a lot about your character which amounts to not much to work with. Often times, women smile in each other’s faces pledging forever friendships and swearing they have so much love for each other, and then go slander those friends one by one to all of them. Its really sad. Growing up, my mom always told me that, if there is something you can’t say to someone in their face, then you need not say it. You never want others to misconstrue your words and make matters worse. So if it needs to be said, say it to whomever its about. Another problem women have is calling each other “bitches” in a “friendly” way and accepting that more than being called by their name. Then when an argument breaks out, the first thing your friend calls you is a bitch. And then you want to get mad. Let’s be real, there is absolutely no nice way to call a woman a bitch. I don’t accept it and I don’t do it. Women will dismiss you from your group of friends in a heartbeat and won’t even explain to you why. They just stop talking to you, stop texting, stop inviting you to things, and you won’t have a clue as to why. They have you on a hunt to retrieve clues that could explain why you’re no longer apart of the “clique.” Its pathetic. Women allow other people to break up their friendships because of what they “heard” about their specific friend. AND THEY BELIEVE IT! The crazy part is your so-called friend will believe a rumor about you, won’t ask you if its true, and out of nowhere just stop talking to you. Like really wtf?! Its mind boggling how people can sit back and smile in your face and then when your not in the room, do damage to your name; talking about your boyfriend and how you’re stupid for letting him move in with you and your kids, with all his kids, all the while barely even knowing him, while supporting his dead end rap career. Or how about telling you how beautiful you were in that dress at their birthday party, and then show pictures of you to the entire family laughing about how bad you REALLY looked. But when you come around, “its all love.” Never think that because someone is telling you everybody’s secrets, that you’re exempt from that stupidity. You’re on that list of people to talk about too honey. You’re the gay one, the crazy one, the home wrecker, and whatever else they can think of to tarnish your name. People do that because they have to keep the attention off of them and their many flaws that prevent them from living a happy life. They’d rather tear people apart because nothing in their life is satisfyingly together. I don’t for a second believe that all women are this way because I don’t believe that all women are miserable. In this world, its hard to have true friends because females are too busy competing with each other. Wouldn’t the world be nicer if women were just a little bit more respecting of the word, “friend?” Its tossed around so loosely these days that it can’t even really be taken seriously anymore. I mean really, how many women can say they’ve held a friend for more than 3 years that were REAL FRIENDS? Don’t worry, I’ll wait…..
What if I told you that the young woman your clowning for having more than one man as a father to her two or three children is married to one of those fathers, stable, happy and grateful to have made the choices she’s made. What would you think of her then? Is she still a ho? Is she still trifling? Are her children still doomed to be ostracized by society for having different fathers? Wait, before you answer, understand that what you think doesn’t even matter. So save it. Its unnerving when people believe that because a woman has more than one “baby daddy,” she’s a horrible decision maker. She’s spreading her legs for whomever wants to lay between them. She has low self esteem…. etc etc.. If you’re a regular citizen, living on a minimum wage income, with a link card in a one bedroom apartment, its frowned upon to have more than one baby daddy. But for celebrities, like Kimora Lee Simmons who has three baby daddies, its looked over. That’s a double standard. There is no gray area for women who have children by different men. Its all black and white. Either you do or you don’t. Women that have children who are in relationships with men that don’t can have it a little hard. Its complicated because he may not know if they’re looking for a father figure to their children, if the biological father is in their life, and whether or not, he may be her next victim. So unfortunately many of those relationships don’t last. Women become depressed because of it, sometimes resenting the father of their children, the children or even themselves. They begin to feel like they’ve made countless mistakes and society will look at them as a statistic rather than a mother. Its really shallow to believe that women who have more than one baby daddy is only looking for a government check, a link card and child support and will continue to get pregnant as long as the government will take care of her. Many of those women are actually in school, working, living on their own and maintaining a decent lifestyle. But they can’t get away from the fact that when they’re walking down the street with there kids who all look different, they get stares from strangers who automatically judge them and their lives. Its sick and I find it to be disgusting. Have you ever thought that some of these women were actually in love with these men. Why aren’t the men ever held accountable? Its always the woman’s fault that her children have different fathers. As a woman I feel its my duty to encourage women in these situations to hold their head high and smile at those who judge them. Your children are not mistakes. Your choices are your choices and its up to you to learn from them and move on. Do not let them hold you back from life. You deserve respect just like the next person regardless of how many men you’ve slept with and had a baby by. Your only responsibility is to take care of your children to the best of your ability, not worry about what people’s opinions of you are. People will talk about you and call you all types of names and challenge your dignity as a woman. So what. I guarantee you love is still out there somewhere waiting for you. Just wait on it.
1. Expecting him to know what you’re thinking. He never will.
Many times, women have so many thoughts running laps in their minds about their man, and they often assume he’s just going to automatically know what their thinking. We contemplate why he hasn’t called us, why he hasn’t come to see us, etc and then get mad when he asks that infamous question, “Why didn’t you just say anything?” To us, he is a mind reader. To him, we’re being childish. He has a point. It is childish to assume one knows what you are thinking. Remember that old saying, “closed mouths don’t get fed?” Unless you tell him what it is you want, why you’re upset, what he did wrong, etc he’s just going to assume, its “that time of the month,” like most men do. You have to speak up. When he asks you what’s wrong, TELL HIM. Do not beat around the bush. Do not sugar coat it. Be blunt and direct. There is no sense in stressing yourself out because he can’t figure out another one of your riddles. You will look like the crazy one. And you don’t want him calling you “crazy” right?
2. Waiting for him to do the dishes.
Yes, you are tired. You just had a long day at work. The kids are fed. The food is on the table waiting for him to eat. He devours it and then goes and sits in front of the nearest t.v. You assumed he’d be so nice as to let you relax while he cleans the dishes. WRONG. He will not voluntarily clean the dishes. Should you ask him to and he denies you, then yes, that warrants an attitude. The only thing men are thinking about after eating, is whats on t.v, what work he brought home probably needs to be done, sex and sleep. The last thing on his mind is wiping spaghetti sauce from a plate. Some may argue that all men are not like that. They are correct. But ask yourself ladies, how many men have you dated and/or married have willingly got up and did the dishes? Now if you complain about it enough that he’s not pulling his weight around the house as far as helping you clean it, he may help out a little. Understand that by no means is it ok for a man to think he doesn’t have to help you clean. But be careful with thinking he’s just going to do it.
3. Telling your friends all of your business.
STOP STOP STOP! Telling your girlfriends about that stupid thing he did, or how he pissed you off, or how you think he’s cheating is one of the worst things you can do to your relationship. It is not your Friend’s business to know every single detail about your relationship. They don’t need to know how great the sex is, how big it is, and how great he is with his mouth. It opens the door for curiosity. Every time you tell your girlfriend he made you mad, the first thing her probably single ass says is, “Fuck him. You don’t need him anyway.” (Insert long dramatic sigh) Sometimes its is your friends who are bringing you down and not him because when you end up forgiving him, they give you every reason, why you should have let him go. You then begin to second guess your decision and overall happiness in a relationship that probably seemed better when you weren’t telling your friends everything. They are going to take your side even when you’re wrong. That will be your downfall every single time. When too many people know your business, you leave room for so many spectators that you don’t even understand your own relationship anymore. You’ve given too many people the power to dictate what is a good and bad choice in your love life. Keep your business to yourself. If you have a problem with him, go to him. I guarantee you your thought process on how to deal with the situation will be better.
4. Pressuring him to marry you.
You’ll be single for a long time if you make your man feel like he has to marry you. He’ll do it when he’s ready. Just because you have kids with him does not mean he’s going to marry you. Don’t make him feel obligated to finalize your family with a ring. You end up miserable and so will he. This does not mean you should wait forever nor does it mean you can’t occasionally bring it up. But never ask him when is he going to marry you. His answer will always be, “I don’t know.” And its going to piss you off. He’s being honest. He really doesn’t know. Women generally say marriage and think of the wedding day. Men say marriage and think of the rest of his life being with only you. He has to think about that for a long time. Do not give him an ultimatum; “Either you marry me, or we have to break up.” He will most likely choose option two. No one, especially a man wants to be forced into a lifetime commitment. So be patient. And please, please, please, do not take a promise ring so seriously. You’ll be holding on to it for dear life. Cherish it, yes. But don’t think that just because he promised you that one day he’ll marry you, he will. Things change.
5. Challenging his manhood
You will lose every time. You may not lose verbally, but emotionally, you will. He doesn’t care that you think he’s lazy. He doesn’t care that you believe he should have a better job. If he’s working, appreciate the fact that you don’t have a man whose sitting at home playing Call Of Duty all day. It make not be thousands a month, but its something. Stop telling him he’s not doing enough financially because something is better than nothing. Encouraging him is different from attacking him. Explain to him that you believe he has so much potential and you just want to see him doing better for himself as well as his family. Let him have the last word sometimes. You are not always right! Don’t make him feel like he’s a child and he has to answer to you. He will eventually resent you and the relationship. Just because he doesn’t do something your way does not mean he made a bad decision. It just means he made a different decision. If it ended badly, accept it and help guide him into making a better decision. Don’t make him feel stupid. He’s not. Ladies, please stop saying, “A real man would do….” Or “Be a man!” That will not get your point across and he’s just going to shut you out and walk away. The goal is to work together, not make him feel like he has to do everything, just because he’s a man.
Take heed to these words if you desire a successful relationship. Am I 100% right? Maybe not. But I am experienced in some of these things that women tend to unconsciously do. Lessons are learned and wisdom is gained. So be careful.
Have you ever questioned whether or not your significant other exaggerated that big explosion in the bedroom? I’d have to say, for men, that can be very hard to do but on the other hand I wouldn’t put it past them. I for one believe that if you have to fake it, you shouldn’t be doing it. Why lie about your satisfaction. To be clear, this does not mean that sex can’t be great without experiencing an orgasm, but I mean be real, everybody wants to have one. As a woman, I find it insulting to make your partner believe he helped you reach climax if you didn’t. There is no need to boost his ego. Teach him to help you get there, rather than spend so much time of your life lying there with fake moaning and groaning while he explodes all his sexual energy into you, on you, the bed, floor or wherever. You’re kind of selling yourself short ladies. Further more, men who knows their way around the female anatomy and how it works can probably determine if you’re faking it with him. All women may not react the same, but it’s very likely that the female body responds a certain way during an orgasm. So be very careful with that. Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes you just want it to be over, because he’s taken 30 minutes to thrust and you still haven’t gotten there but your tired; so you release an overly exaggerated scream, scratched his back, and sighed of relief, knowing you’re as dry as the desert. Its not fair to you ladies. Many people have tried to document that only 7% of women actually reach orgasm. In what world exactly. In my opinion, orgasms are not scientific. Its all about your mental state; relaxing your body and being completely open and comfortable with your mate. Its knowing what feels good to you. Its being aware that concentration and a sense of attraction to your mate is a key factor. It doesn’t happen the same for every woman, however its very possible. Don’t waste your time faking it to make him feel good about himself. You’ll end up annoyed and used for his own satisfaction. Help him to help you. Stop selling yourselves short ladies. Speak up. Help him get you there. Your love life will be so much better.
Sex in a committed relationship is one of the most glorifying things one could experience. The feelings and love shared between two people in that moment can be unbelievably gratifying. On the other hand, many would love to argue that making love is something different. I’d humbly beg to differ. Just because you put music and candles behind the slow, sweaty thrust and dancing pelvises does not make the result any different. Let’s be real, if both parties reach climax, then the deed is done. And then there’s the F word. Sex is exciting when its quick and hot and dangerous, hoping you don’t get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, sometimes even with the wrong person. Many things are involved in having one of the best sexual encounters you could think of. Here’s a few. Kissing is one of the most intimate parts of sex. It opens the door for those manly muscles to harden and those womanly flowers to bloom. But kissing doesn’t stop at the mouth. Great kissing moves from forehead to nose, to lips, to neck, to chest and slowly or aggressively to the southern regions. This goes for both men and women. Then there’s one’s backside, the shoulders the little indention between lower back and bottom. It opens your mind and sometimes causing you to sweat and hopelessly anticipate what’s to come next. Then there’s oral sex. Before someone gets the confidence to embark on that journey of using their mouth to please, they must first be willing to take direction. There is an art to pleasing someone with your mouth. It requires patience, the desire to actually do it and sometimes it can be very time consuming, whether you’re trying to help your partner reach climax or you’re just warming them up. Many women can be shy, believing that its nasty or tiring and sometimes its because the man isn’t guiding them, expressing what feels good and what doesn’t. They go into it thinking the woman is just supposed to know. Don’t get me wrong, some women are just experts and some are completely clueless. Regardless of which woman you are, he should still communicate with you. The same thing goes for women. You can not expect a man to just know what feels good to you. He may very well act like he does, but you know your body better. Talk to him, guide him and above all don’t be shy. Be open with each other. It makes it all the more satisfactory. Hands and fingers can be extremely useful when preparing for sex. Two people have to be comfortable with allowing their partner to explore their body, feeling for those spots that make you shake and moan and cry for straddling or harsh penetration. (Let me wipe the sweat from my forehead). Don’t be afraid to use your hands and fingers to find out what makes your partner squirm with satisfaction, making them express their enjoyment with wrinkled eyebrows and biting lips. It’ll turn not only them on but you as well. And then there’s the actual sex. Long sex, short sex, and quickies can all be satisfying as long and you and your partner understand each other. Whether you like long strokes, quick and short strokes or somewhere in between, you have to be comfortable and willing to perform to the best of your ability. Nobody likes a lazy person in bed. Trying numerous positions is mandatory. The same old three positions, missionary, cowgirl and doggy style can get mighty boring especially for the man. Sex doesn’t have to always be slow and sensual. It can be hard and rough with hair pulling, biting, and even mild choking (for some couples). Not everyone is into that. But hey, to each his own. Talk to each other. The man doesn’t always have to initiate it. Women can demand it as well. Men like that shit. Again, the goal is any sexual encounter is to reach climax; to exhale a breath of unbelievable satisfaction, feeling the beads of sweat dripping down your forehead or chest. Its a beautiful thing. So, sex, making love and the F word are all the same thing because you’re trying to reach one big conclusion. Orgasm. I’ll talk about faking it in my next post. For now, go turn off the TV, put the kids to bed, if you have them, and go sex the breath and energy out of your partner.
If you’re a woman on the verge of marriage or a married woman, you probably should know that your future or present Mother In-law is not, nor will she ever be your friend. She is merely there to support her sons’s decision to marry you. She is hoping for his happiness. Sure, she may respect you. She may even hold hour long conversations with you. But when he’s upset with you, she’s upset with you. When he’s done being with you, she’s done being with you. The point of saying all of this is, it is not your job to please your Mother In-law. You are under no circumstances required to prove anything to her, when it comes to your husband, her son. She will have her opinions. She will give him advice. She will tell him what he should and shouldn’t put up with. NONE OF THAT MATTERS. His love for you will trump all of that. When you have his children, she may treat you like you know nothing about taking care of children and you should take heed to her unsolicited advice and constant stories about her experience. IGNORE IT. Be respectful, but nonetheless, ignore it. Never go to her complaining about your husband. She will take his side. Your marriage is not her business. Successful marriages require a lot of privacy. Therefore, your marriage woes should not be discussed with anyone, especially your Mother In-law. Be mindful that her loyalty is not to you. It is to her son. But the only loyalty that is important in your marriage is your loyalty towards each other. Understand this is not a post to bash Mother in-laws. Its just opinionated information that you may want to invite into your marriage.
Many people believe that if you suffer through love, it has to be real, because “love hurts.” Have you ever thought that real love heals? Real love inspires. Real love is sacrificial. Real love does not hurt. It does not leave you lying wide awake at night wondering if it’s all worth it. In a relationship, each person exudes behavior they believe their partner will put up with whether its positive or negative behavior. For example, if a woman takes back a cheating man more than once (yes I said more than once), he most likely will believe she’s accepting that behavior and he won’t see the sense in changing. However, if he cheats once and she takes him back and he cheats again, and she leaves, she’s showing what she believes she’s worth; sympathetic to a horrible mistake but refusing to allow consistent apologies for the same one. This does not mean cheating isn’t wrong. It means that someone will only take advantage of a person who loves them wherever they see the opportunity. A forgiving woman can be very dangerous is a relationship with a man who continues to do the same thing he has to apologize for and the same thing goes for a man being too forgiving with a woman who belittles him in front of his friends; challenging his every opinion causing him to question whether or not he wants to even bring her around family or friends. Sometimes people are so insecure in their relationships that they don’t even realize their own self worth. I personally have been told by women that as long as your man is coming home to you at night, you should have nothing to complain about. As a woman, I should be lucky that he’s coming home. I’ll humbly beg to differ. If him coming home is all you need to validate his love and respect for you, my friend, you have a lot to learn. There are too many women settling for the man who spends all day and night out, coming home to a dark bedroom, with only the light from the television beaming on her anger stricken face. She’s angry because she hasn’t seen or really heard from him all day, but satisfied because he came home. She’s angry because she’s cleaned the entire house, worked 6-8 hours, cooked him a meal and the last things he said to her that day were, “See you later” and “Goodnight,” but satisfied because he came home. Understand, a man can come home to the same woman every night and still not love her. There’s no other way to put it. You are not special because he comes home at night. People blindly fall victim to relationships where they’re not typically happy but “grateful” for the actual relationship and “content” with the simple fact that they’re not single. The behavior someone puts up with in their relationship is a reflection of what they think about themselves. If you are only willing to be with someone who understands that in order to love you the right way, they must respect, honor and cherish your being in their life, as will you, embrace that attitude. Stay true to your self respect. Do not accept what someone else believes you deserve. Never settle for a relationship where you still feel lonely. Accept what you know you’re worth and if you don’t believe its much right now, then wait to fall in love with someone. Fall in love with yourself first. You may not be able to control how someone behaves, but you can control what you accept. Always remember, the love you accept is the love you believe you deserve.